So this article about ‘Why Chinese parents don’t say I love you‘ resurfaced on my news feed. It has some real interesting insights for someone who also was raised in a fairly culturally conservative Asian home in which emotional (and physical) expressions were minimum.
Here’s a couple of great quotes:
Peking University sociologist Xia Xueluan explained that the parents’ responses reveal Chinese parents “are not good at expressing positive emotions” and “are used to educating children with negative language”.
The last part about educating children with negative language reminded me of Tiger Mum.
From a sociological perspective, studies have also found that the phrase ‘I love you’ tends to be used less in a high context culture where “expectations are high and well documented”. While in the West (low context society), relationships are often managed with ‘I love you reminders’ to reassure someone of their importance, in high context culture, “intensely personal and intimate declarations can seem out of place and overly forceful.”
The part about high expectations has a ring of truth to it.
As blogger Cindy writes, “Chinese families know how to love fiercely. They do it through immense generosity, unwavering loyalty, and a lot of food. We love differently, not better, not worse, but definitely different.”
We love differently, not better, not worse, but differently. It took me a very long time to learn that personally. I was born and grew up in Australia, a Western Culture – but my family home remained conservatively Asian. This clash of cultures was apparent, but I was too young to know better. A bit older, a bit wiser, a bit more experienced and I can now see that the differences were just that – differences.
Seeing the differences made the lack of ‘I love yous’ much easier to understand.
Which is why you need to see this beautiful video from Steven Lim:
It’s wonderful to hear the surprise and joy from the parents and to get a small glimpse into this tender and relatively rare moment of affection shared between child and parent.
I’ll admit it brought a little tear of joy to my eyes. Perhaps Asian culture is evolving a little after all :)
I knew that when I was old enough to be a parent I’d do it differently. Not to despise how my parents raised me, but to reflect who I am. Now as a Christian father the weight of demonstrating and expressing my affection and love feels much greater. For if I am to reflect God’s character to my children then the words, ‘I love you’ should never be far from my lips.
My favourite verses in the book of Deuteronomy contain this message – that it’s God’s love for his people that he chooses to act for them:
It was not because you were more in number than any other people that the LORD set his love on you and chose you, for you were the fewest of all peoples, but it is because the LORD loves you and is keeping the oath that he swore to your fathers, that the LORD has brought you out with a mighty hand and redeemed you from the house of slavery, from the hand of Pharaoh king of Egypt. (Deuteronomy 7:7-8 ESV)
A similar echo in Isaiah 43:
[4] Because you are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you, I give men in return for you, peoples in exchange for your life. (Isaiah 43:4 ESV)
The wonder of this small sample from the Old Testament is how it is beautifully fulfilled in the incarnation of His Son. He comes as the full expression of God’s love, and shares the Father’s love for us:
[9] As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Abide in my love. (John 15:9 ESV)
So I say to my son, ‘I love you with a deep love and affection. God loves you, and so does Jesus. But their love for you is much deeper. Daddy’s love is only a drop into the ocean of God’s love for you. My son, swim in that ocean!’
So did you grow up in a household that never said, ‘I love you’? How did you cope with it? How do you think your parents would react if you were to say, ‘I love you’ out of the blue? Put your thoughts in the comments below…
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